Requesting permission to come aboard. DEP Recruit Bautista and her time in between high school and boot camp.

I hate how I can have a very emotionally charged conversation with my ex while facebooking/browsing three different websites, or eating a McChicken while thinking about other things, or playing cards with friends while showing completely different emotions than that of the words I’m writing.

Text messages are convenient, yes. But this is precisely why I never liked the idea of text conversations. It takes the humanity out of relationships.

But he’s always been the exception to everything, hasn’t he?

(Source: senseofmind, via jovidreams)

Closure is always good.

Not ending a relationship with “Fuck you.” is also good.

I feel better now. It was what it was, and we both knew it.

He says he’d do anything for me.
I’m too afraid to ask anyone to do anything for me, I always have.
Maybe I’ll stop being so disappointed if I actually tell him what I want.
But it’s still disappointing that I’d have to tell him what I want.

Maybe I shouldn’t expect him to read my mind. I know it’s unreasonable.
Maybe I’m just scared that I’ll be even more disappointed if I actually tell him what I want and he doesn’t do it.

I don’t have very high expectations of people but he still doesn’t meet my expectations. Not all the time, anyway.

And yet I’m still happier with him than without him.
I don’t understand myself. I still don’t understand my relationship. :|

Traveling a whole day just to spend a day.

jovidreams:

(via jannelreyes, deerjesus)

This has been on my mind lately for some reason.
A lot of people can relate to this, not just hackers.

Source: http://www.phrack.org/issues.html?issue=7&id=3&mode=txt

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

        Another one got caught today, it's all over the papers.  "Teenager
Arrested in Computer Crime Scandal", "Hacker Arrested after Bank Tampering"...
        Damn kids.  They're all alike.

        But did you, in your three-piece psychology and 1950's technobrain,
ever take a look behind the eyes of the hacker?  Did you ever wonder what
made him tick, what forces shaped him, what may have molded him?
        I am a hacker, enter my world...
        Mine is a world that begins with school... I'm smarter than most of
the other kids, this crap they teach us bores me...
        Damn underachiever.  They're all alike.

        I'm in junior high or high school.  I've listened to teachers explain
for the fifteenth time how to reduce a fraction.  I understand it.  "No, Ms.
Smith, I didn't show my work.  I did it in my head..."
        Damn kid.  Probably copied it.  They're all alike.

        I made a discovery today.  I found a computer.  Wait a second, this is
cool.  It does what I want it to.  If it makes a mistake, it's because I
screwed it up.  Not because it doesn't like me...
                Or feels threatened by me...
                Or thinks I'm a smart ass...
                Or doesn't like teaching and shouldn't be here...
        Damn kid.  All he does is play games.  They're all alike.

        And then it happened... a door opened to a world... rushing through
the phone line like heroin through an addict's veins, an electronic pulse is
sent out, a refuge from the day-to-day incompetencies is sought... a board is
found.
        "This is it... this is where I belong..."
        I know everyone here... even if I've never met them, never talked to
them, may never hear from them again... I know you all...
        Damn kid.  Tying up the phone line again.  They're all alike...

        You bet your ass we're all alike... we've been spoon-fed baby food at
school when we hungered for steak... the bits of meat that you did let slip
through were pre-chewed and tasteless.  We've been dominated by sadists, or
ignored by the apathetic.  The few that had something to teach found us will-
ing pupils, but those few are like drops of water in the desert.

        This is our world now... the world of the electron and the switch, the
beauty of the baud.  We make use of a service already existing without paying
for what could be dirt-cheap if it wasn't run by profiteering gluttons, and
you call us criminals.  We explore... and you call us criminals.  We seek
after knowledge... and you call us criminals.  We exist without skin color,
without nationality, without religious bias... and you call us criminals.
You build atomic bombs, you wage wars, you murder, cheat, and lie to us
and try to make us believe it's for our own good, yet we're the criminals.

        Yes, I am a criminal.  My crime is that of curiosity.  My crime is
that of judging people by what they say and think, not what they look like.
My crime is that of outsmarting you, something that you will never forgive me
for.

        I am a hacker, and this is my manifesto.  You may stop this individual,
but you can't stop us all... after all, we're all alike.

                               +++The Mentor+++
_______________________________________________________________________________

A conversation with my boyfriend-type-thing many weeks ago:

Me: Is it normal that I can’t really… remember much from just a few years ago? Like my memories from even before boot camp are kind of blurry.
Him: Nah, that’s not weird.
Me: Huh. Okay.
Him: Wait… how many traumatic head injuries have you had?
Me: …none.
Him: Yeah, that’s probably not normal.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
It’s not that I can’t remember. It’s that I just need help remembering.
Ever since I started my “journey of self-discovery”, I’ve just been lost in this whirlpool of thoughts. So many things happening to me at one time internally and externally. I’ve learned to deal with change better than I have in the past. I realized that if I am indeed going to stay in the Navy for the full twenty then I’m gonna have to get used to “accelerating my life”.

But since there’s been so much change in so little time I haven’t been able to build lasting memories. When I was going through “A” school and failed my first test I realized something about myself; it takes me a really long time to learn something. But once I know it, I know it forever.

Now that I’m in Norfolk, basically on hold until I leave to go meet my ship, I’m alone with my thoughts and my memories. And the internet. The internet has been such a big part of my life that you can trace my life through my internet footprints. I’ve left a digital trail of where I’ve been and where I hope to go.

More importantly, I think, I’ve left my accounts of what I’ve been through. Things that for some reason I can’t remember very well but I should. I guess the best example is why my relationship with Ryan ended. There were so many details that I wouldn’t have remembered if it wasn’t for the fact that I blogged so ridiculously about everything back then.

And it all works in my favor. Because right now, while I’m trying to figure out what I want from life in general, reading about who I was back then helps me realize who I want to be.

When I went through boot camp I swore I wouldn’t lose my individuality and I didn’t think that I did. The truth is, I think it nearly left me a blank slate. I, being the people pleaser that I am, emulate the people that I am around. I noticed that while I was in “A” school I was slightly different whenever I got a new roommate.
At the core, I’m still me. But I’m “like a phone with different faceplates” (as I described it to my boyfriend).

It’s just now that I’m starting to get back to who I was. I logged onto Gaia for the first time in a really long time last week and while I hate what that website’s turned into, I remembered what I liked to do in my free time. I liked to type ridiculously long posts and blogs. I logged onto brassgoggles and read some of my past posts and it doesn’t even sound like I wrote it. (Though, keep in mind, I was purposely trying to create a different persona for that forum.)

I was exploring my base last week and I found the hobby shop and I was -really- happy to be in there. As an engineer in “A” school I didn’t lose my love of tools or building things but that love was dulled because we didn’t do very much hands on work while I was in BECC.
ATT was when I really started to remember the things I liked to do as a “civilian”. Wires, soldering irons, resistors… LED lights?! Yeah. Brought back memories.

Ever since then I guess I’ve been rediscovering my “geekieness”.

So anyway. ATT got the ball rolling. Now that I only have one roommate who usually isn’t in the room (and when she is, she’s playing WoW xD) I’ve had time to think.

And mostly all I’ve remembered so far is how much I love my think time.

(Random note: It wasn’t ATT itself. The time that I was in that school was an odd point in my life. That was when all my friends started leaving Great Lakes and I was still there. It was depressing but in an odd way character-building.)

Wow, I need to blog more. (I do one sentence blogs from my phone every now and then but it isn’t enough.)

Why did I order an iced blended caramel apple cider when I meant to get an iced white chocolate mocha?

It’s like when I was at boot camp and all I wanted was Frosted Flakes; I put everything on my tray -except- for Frosted Flakes.

But I can’t even enjoy this apple cider. Something about it just seems so wrong about it. But I paid for it so I guess I’m gonna drink it… right?

I could easily throw it away and get a new drink but why waste a perfectly good drink? I mean, maybe “perfectly good” isn’t the best way to describe it. But it’s.. drinkable right?

I kind of find myself wanting something better. But I wanted this drink for a reason. A reason I still can’t figure out. And I’m still drinking it so I guess I like it for a reason. Or do I like it just because it’s there?

Didn’t I go through all this before?

…:/
Belay my life.